The Dream17 Vending Machine

[Squirminator2k]

There is a grinding of gears from deep within the machine. A pained groan can be heard, and you can see a head being forced out of the vending slot. It's a hurt, bloodied, bruised, man... and you recoil with horror when you realize that this person is you.

The machine continues to grind as your doppelganger is painfully forced out of the rest of the slot, uncomfortable scratches and digs in the side of his arms, sides and, eventually, his legs. He is pained. This is excruciating for him.

He lays on the floor, his face contorted with nothing but pain.

You hear a metallic clank of a handgun arriving in the deposit of the vending slot. You pick it up - it's loaded. You look to your double. He looks at you with eyes that have seen some hard times. He looks at the gun, and then at you. His eyes are begging now, pleading for you to do the unthinkable.

You look at the gun. You look at your doppelganger. Who is he? A clone? A long lost twin? You from the future? You have no way of knowing, but you know one thing - he wants release from the pain he has endured.

You pull back the hammer, aim for the square of his head, and pull the trigger. He slumps dead. His mouth lolls open, and out falls a single, shiny golden coin.

This is pretty fucked up. I insert a coin to see where else this madness can go.

[Zeor]

You get a pen that can write in four different colors. Neat!

After nudging my own mangled corpse under the carpet, I insert a coin.

[Worm Mad]

You get a book of 101 Ways to Cook Dolphin and a dubious-looking can of 'tuna'.

I walk up and insert a golden doubloon into the machine.

[Zeor]

You get on fire! You're not really able to dwell on it at the moment, but you're pretty bothered by this extremely dubious use of "get." You burn to death in a matter of seconds, but respawn as good as new. Whew! Gods, this machine is dangerous.

I insert a bottle cap, which will be an accepted currency eventually.

[Pooka]

You wait for a few seconds to see what will come out. After a while, nothing happens, so you hit the machine in frustration... and you are thrown back by some mysterious force. Then you realise that the machine is vibrating. A duplicate is growing out of its side... somehow the ghastly thing is duplicating itself!

This mitosis happens for a few minutes, until the second vending machine is a completely independent entity. What sorcery is this?

While you investigate the second machine to see if it will actually dispense any snack products you ask for rather than random items, I walk up to the original machine, which is smoking slightly... and insert a coin.

[Zeor]

You receive a receipt. It's for about two weeks' worth of groceries, and the first Hellboy movie on Blu-Ray. The date is sometime next week. Curiously, it already has your signature. Even more curiously, this must mean it's the merchant copy. Mystery abounds!

Having somehow already jammed the alternate machine, I insert a coin into the regular one.

[Pooka]

You receive a DVD of a show that doesn't exist yet. You should probably syndicate it.

COIN'D

[Star and Moon]

Your COIN'D has BORK'D the machine.

Well, 18 pages to waste.

That having happened, I insert a coin into *plot hole*

[Zeor]

You receive a letter asking you to cease and desist from any slanderous/libelous/otherwise fraudulent behavior towards or pertaining to the vending machine or the company responsible for it. The name of this company seems to have been redacted.

I insert a coin.

[Star and Moon]

The inserted coin launches out and hits you squarely in the chest, injuring you. The machine is still damaged. However, the machine's light reads out 'Help is on the way' as you lay bleeding on the ground. In a little under a half hour, the officials run into the room. You are so relieved! You try to squirm out a word but you can't speak, and pass out.

Hours later, you wake up, feeling somewhat better, but still paining on the ground in front of the machine... which has been fixed. The 'Help is on the way' readout wasn't for you, it was for the machine!

I insert a very rare coin depicting Richard Nixon into the newly fixed machine.

[Worm Mad]

There is a flash of light. You find yourself sat behind the presidential desk in the White House. Looking around you, you spot a newspaper with today's date: June 17th 1972. Horrified, you run to a mirror and see the cragged face of Richard Milhous Nixon staring back.
"Oh boy"

Back in the present, I insert a coin.

[Zeor]

You receive the ghost of a bunny. This seems extremely sad for a moment, but it turns out it's a friendly ghost bunny that wants to go on adventures! You start having the time of your life pretty much immediately.

I insert a coin and take a big step sideways.

[Star and Moon]

A ceiling fan falls on the floor and crushes you. You would've been fine if you had stayed put.

Being done with my epic eventure of Richard Nixon-ness I insert a coin into the machine.

[Zeor]

You receive an action figure of yourself. There's a button on the back which causes the arms to windmill frantically, while it says things in a language you believe to be Korean. You wonder who to sue about this.

After hilariously re-inflating myself with a bicycle pump like a cartoon character, I insert a coin, because apparently I can't get enough of this crap.

[Worm Mad]

Before you can find out what the vending machine would have given you, a missile soars over your head and blows it apart. Assorted items and debris rain down upon you - strangely you remain unharmed. A man with a beard steps out of the darkness. It's you! From the future!
"Hey," he says gruffly "I'm you. From the future."
"Is that beard fake?" you wonder aloud
"That's not important. I came back to stop you from stuffing that waffle into the vending machine. It sets about a chain reaction that ultimately results in the destruction of all life as we know it."
"It is!" you cry, pulling the beard from his face.

A few seconds later, you realise what he said.
"Wait... waffle? That was years ago."
"WHAT?!"
"Why were you wearing a fake beard?"
"I thought it'd make me look older. Now, excuse me, I have to go back in time... again"
He reaches for his time belt. It's gone. So are you, apparently.
"Crap"

You arrive behind me, just as I'm starting to write this post.
"Mad!" you exalt "You just did the time travel thing, two days ago! Do something original."
"Oh yeah..." I say, recalling the Nixon-related shenanigans "Don't worry. I've got a back up plan."

....

You receive a banana. It has a face drawn on it.

Stepping up, I insert a coin into the slot.

[Star and Moon]

The vending machine deposits a fortune cookie. You crap it open and the fortune reads "5 minutes from now you find yourself inserting another coin into the machine, it is you're destiny!"

I insert a Get Out of Jail Free card into the machine.

[Xinos]

You hear a strange whistling sound in the air above, as you look up just in time to see a cage falling down from the sky,
encapturing both you and the machine. "Dang" you think to yourself, "that was ironic."

I hand you a coin through the bars and motion you to put it in the machine.
Star and Moon inserts a coin into the machine.

[Zeor]

Star & Moon receives a cake. Suspecting there may be a file or chisel or some other theoretical prison-breaking tool hidden in it, he vigorously smashes it and paws through the remains. Turns out it was just a cake. Now it's a big ol' mess.

I insert a coin.

[Pooka]

You receive a hologram of a crashed helicopter.

I insert a coin.

[Star and Moon]

The Machine dispenses a free ticket to Rezzed! You are delighted!

Wait... Rezzed passed...

I insert a round mint into the machine.